My Hopes, Memories and Dreams

Man oh Man !

Men of courage, honour and resolve
Mere fantasies created
Through stories once told
Whilst here stand before me
Boys parading
in grown men’s bodies

Size ten boots
Boast of lands conquered
Yet rolled up sleeves
belie the frayed seams
Of the Self and Soul
…That read like a little black book
Scrawled with every nameable insecurity

With lips pursed
To contain my disappointment
(For no hero exists to slay the troll)
I send another on his way
…Those desert eyes…
To lap at some other oasis of need
No such mirage engulfs my energy
For with the autonomy of every womanly muscle
I must drag forth the resolve
To be my own protector
my own husband
…my own father

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23 responses

  1. Avery nice piece of writing Colleen. 🙂

    February 2, 2010 at 9:55 pm

  2. Oops! Should have been ‘A very’, not the labels. lol

    February 2, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    • Ha Ha…Thank you Paul. Hope all is well at your end of the world !

      February 2, 2010 at 9:59 pm

      • Snow and -20 degrees! lo. I imagine it’s a little warmer over there. 🙂

        February 2, 2010 at 11:55 pm

  3. So no-one’s ‘man’ enough to be your man Colleen?

    However you’re seeing these ‘boy-men’ through the eyes of a mother, one whom helps create the species.. (of which I belong).. I’ll never see this perspective myself.

    Or are you saying ‘you can’t fool me with your braveheart dare-devilry because I know that you all (men) are just little-boys at heart’..?

    How right you are in fact.. we go out and work, fight and boast of our macho conquests alas secretly we all need a woman’s love and affection.. the sort once provided by our own mother.. yet we mustn’t show publiclly this need.

    So the wife bears the burdon..

    Your poetry is blossoming.. I’ve read this one several times to catch the drift, maybe I’m wide of the mark but well, this was my take on it..

    February 2, 2010 at 11:41 pm

    • Hmmm…

      I think my words come from a place of growing realisation of the disparity between the fairy-tale hero image of the man, that many of us girls were raised with, and the truth of man as simply another fragile inhabitant of this life we experience.

      Admittedly, there is also a sense of frustration that despite this quite valid recognition, desire remains within for a figure of masculine strength and reliabililty to retreat into at times. But I also accept your point that modern man may well be caught in the bind of expressing the need for emotional support whilst stilll being expected to carry the spear !

      I have simply had much ( too much) experience with the deeply wounded, hence the lines:
      I send another on his way
      …Those desert eyes…
      To lap at some other oasis of need

      Thank you for prompting me to reflect further on this late night rant of mine ! (Oh and I would never deny a man the need and opportunity to experience tenderness and affection of a woman!)

      February 3, 2010 at 12:11 am

      • Hiya,

        When you say ‘deeply wounded’, are you referring to men who’ve you’ve had a relationship with but show signs of psychological damage from previous partners thus carrying too much emotional baggage for you to deal with?

        Or are they wounded because your relationship didn’t work out, or you’ve told them some hard home truths?

        Sorry for the long-winded questions.. maybe I’m a touch direct.. hope I’m not prying into your personal life..

        Guess what I’m getting at is when entering into a new romance, just how much of the past is it wise to divulge? I know women don’t want to hear about previous loves too much & vice-versa, but there’s always the increasing reality as we go on in life and meet new people, we’re dragging our issues along with us. Where are we going to dump the issues..? (too many question marks right?)

        Can we really wipe the slate clean each time? Maybe to an extent, but you’ve got to keep in the present I reckon (easier said than done of course), what’s done is done..

        A few rhetoric questions here, and a rant to match your own!

        At the end of the day, I love women and cherish any love and affection you (plural sense) share with me and it’s wonderful, alas as you undoubtedly know, we men generally fail miserably to meet your expectations of us.

        If there’s one quality I endevour to hold it’s honesty.. so please go ahead and shoot anything back at me, I’m willing to give you straight answers. I love exchanges such as this, sure I can’t declare my thoughts reflect those of all men, but they might surprise you all the same..

        cheers!

        February 3, 2010 at 11:05 pm

      • Hi there,

        The “wounds” I refer to are emotional and psychological but may have been incurred through all types of relationships, not just romantic…i.e. from childhood / parental / sibling dynamics. Ofcourse I acknowledge that we all have some “emotional baggage”, but my exectation is that we take responsibility for it by not “projecting” on to another and embarking upon the journey of healing with courage and a sense of ownership. I strongly feel that we all possess the power to make a conscious choice to do so, no matter how frightening the journey may seem.

        So in reply to your point…”Where are we going to dump the issues ?”, well squarely in a therapist’s lap !!!! It takes a strong person to sort between the wounds of yesterday and the experiences of today so there is nothing wrong in seeking guidance in some form or another. I guess in my own personal experience, I encounter too many instances (that clearly frustrate me) of men willing to acknowlede they have very deep psychological and emotional scars and seeking pity and escapism in a relationship with a woman through whom they can seek solace and relief (the sort that may not be attainable with a male friend). And I would add that ofcourse this is what we seek in human relationships, understanding, forgiveness and support…. but when that level of dependency becomes unhealthy and one-sided, some men can not muster up the courage and fortitude to truly “own” their needs and insecurities, and therefore seek to address them. You see what I mean about the dilema for a woman wanting to express all her female skills of compassion and sensitivity, but still demanding / expecting some level of courage and fortitude in her male friend ???

        I am certainly sensitive to the dilemma of modern man. That of being “…caught in the bind of expressing the need for emotional support whilst stilll being expected to carry the spear”. All I ask for is honesty and responsibility in the way we acknowledge and handle our own emotional fragilities. God knows, I for one have had to undertake tones of work to heal the scars of the past and move forward so that I can be the best I can both for myself and anyone else who enters my life !

        February 3, 2010 at 11:57 pm

      • Hi Colleen,

        Hi Colleen,

        I have problems often ‘dwelling’ on the past, I know it’s most probably unhealthy but the mind wanders.. I believe I’m tough enough to move on but my oh my starting fresh esp after a long and emotionally binding relationship is a hell of an undertaking. So much so that just coming to terms with the reality of it all has spanned more than a year. I personally became stuck in ‘nowhere time’. My mistake was perhaps to leave things ‘open’ and try and keep my options open.. not too clever but there wasn’t ever a definite end. When you reach the end, it’s only then it hits you, the realisation that life goes on and you’d better get on with it. I think I was drowning in desusional nostalgia. My head was creating this fantasy in which everything could result in a happy ending – it couldn’t. Never seen a therapist, think I’ll fool myself into believing this is self-healing.

        But we’ll get there eventually.

        February 4, 2010 at 1:25 pm

  4. To me, this deeply insightful poem seems more like a realization than a rant. Our experiences are our teachers, both men and women, and you’re right. Fairy tales are fairy tales–not real life. In real life we work at and work for every relationship we have. It’s all a part of growing and having the wonderful job of looking into another’s eyes and seeing ourselves. That’s why we’re here, dang it! They say once we can stand sure and strong on our own two feet, love finds us. Wonderfully expressive poem, strong young woman. So glad you’re back!

    February 3, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    • Hi Pam.

      You are so right…yes I do believe that people enter our worlds to act as teachers and guides whether through a five minute encounter or deeper “relationship”.

      Thank you for your supportive words as always !

      February 3, 2010 at 11:05 pm

  5. Welcome back,my friend!
    I hope that you will be around much time 😉
    Your new poem is beautiful.
    Thank you for share it with us 🙂

    Have a magnificent day! 🙂

    February 3, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    • Hi, thank you for visiting ! Always happy to share 🙂

      February 4, 2010 at 10:39 am

  6. Hi Colleen, wonderful poem exploring that too often discovered GAP between our fairy tales and expectations and the down n gritty hard work of the reality we often see only after we are part of the way down a path, or worse, after a painful lesson in standing up for ourselves, not settling, etc. and sometimes, we truly do have to be autnonomous, personally responsible for our own choices, and yet keep one eye open and our hearts guarded but not entirely closed up for you just never know … someone may be an exception!

    February 3, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    • Hi Purple ! I’m glad you “get it” ! Yes I think that is the key, always keeping one eye open. Don’t worry, I haven’t “thrown away the key” yet !

      February 4, 2010 at 4:08 am

  7. “Oasis of need” a comment I make frequently asking why do all the needy men wind up on my doorstep. Have missed you kiddo. You sound much better. Hope all is going well. xoxo

    February 4, 2010 at 5:07 am

    • Hmm my sentiments exactly ! I sometimes wonder if I have an insecurity magnet implanted somewhere….Maybe it is our compassionate natures, which I am proud to possess…it is just crucial to have clearly defined boundaries !

      February 4, 2010 at 10:43 am

  8. Sarayha

    Beautiful 🙂 love it..amazing ..just stunning…
    cute kid he needs new shoes though xoxox miss you 😦

    February 4, 2010 at 11:17 am

    • Oh Sarayha, you are a DAG !!! But thank you, glad you liked it sweetie 🙂

      February 4, 2010 at 11:26 am

  9. hmmm… too much about you than what you write. You have your craft down. drawing from within is an art, and a little bit of therapy… but… not everyone can express it.

    I am glad you are back.. so glad to see that. not for me but for you. The world around you is what you beckon it to be… make it so. write. let yourself express and not dwell. You’ve moved on. continue in that direction. KEEP WRITING. no matter who is reading or responding. e mail me any time for support.

    February 10, 2010 at 5:38 am

    • Hi Cindy

      Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support ! It means so much to have such offerings even from across the other ends of the world !!! Such great and caring advice !

      Thank you for visiting.

      February 10, 2010 at 5:55 am

  10. blissbait

    Been there. Felt that. Yep. You are a powerhouse. I wish I had time right now to read the exchange between You and tigercity. But….thanks for Your naked, raw, honest words. Cheers and Namaste. 🙂

    February 19, 2010 at 5:24 am

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