My Hopes, Memories and Dreams

Regression Therapy ~ Uncovering my spiritual quest

One of my favourite Buddhist Proverbs, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come” materialized in my life with great clarity towards the end of 2009. Grappling still with a sense of bewilderment at the repetitive nature of the cyclical patterns of hurt and disappointment that were occuring in my life, I sought refuge one afternoon in the soothing hub of my local “Well-Being” Centre intending to seek relief from my anguish through a deep tissue massage. I walked out three hours later without the massage, but with a completely new, somewhat bewildering… but definitely invigorating outlook on the evolving journey that is my life.

During my initial consultation with Paul, the owner of the Centre, I poured out my desire to better understand the purpose behind my presence in this world in order to put an end to the patterns of grief and longing which consumed me. Paul unexpectedly yet gently proposed the idea of embarking upon regression therapy. Having previously explored other forms of transpersonal therapies I understood the concept that the subconscious, memories and ego are interconnected in a mutually influencing web of experience of the Self. I therefore felt comfortable with the objective of regression therapy. Paul’s offer was free of any financial cost but purely a gesture to help me on my course of healing. I accepted his offer with no request for further explanation regarding the process itself, as I did not want to taint my experience in any way. Yet, an element of wariness still waved its’ red flag in the corner of my mind. This is the story of how the session unfolded.

After a period of “settling in” as I lay on the massage table in a candle-lit therapy room, Paul reassuringly guided me towards the following memories:

Paul: I want you to take yourself to your earliest child hood memory

  • I am standing in a cot. I am maybe 10 months of age. I am gripping the bars of the cot as I stand looking towards the closed bedroom door. It is painted a dull, eggshell shade of white. My feet are bare and I wear flannelette pants. I stare at the door. Why aren’t they coming ? I am not distressed. Just alone. (The voice of cynicism said as it watched from above “Yeah well, you’ve seem photos of yourself at this age so you have a rough idea what you looked like”.)

Paul: Now I want you to go back even further

  • I am looking up into my mother’s face. I see dark brown waves of hair framing her face. I feel her arms supporting me. I am an infant…a newborn infant. I experience a sense of knowing that she is my mother. The surrounds feel clinical.(Again the skeptic piped up “How many images of a newborn child in it’s mother’s arms have you seen over the years ? You know, like in that kleenex commercial..?”)

Paul: From here I want you to return to the womb. Sense how it feels and what it looks like if you can

  • I feel myself in a cramped, darkened cocoon. Dark red and blackened walls are throbbing around me. A steady pulsating drone echoes in my ears. (“Yeah, yeah…here you are imagining the inside of a womb as pictured in those pre-natal documentaries”..said Ms.You-Can’t-Fool-Me !)

Paul: Now I want you to move to the moment of conception…

  • KA-ZING ! A surge I can only describe like an electrical charge pulsates through my consciousness. This is not a physical, bodily sensation and I continue to lay still in a state of complete relaxation. It is powerful. Awesome. Like nothing I have ever encountered. (The voice of doubt is silent on this one !)

Paul: And from this point, if you can, I want you to go back to before conception…if you can…

  • With little effort I am there. I am floaty, formless….I possess no end and no beginning. I am pure energy. A bright shining light engulfs me. Oh the Bliss ! I am riding a wave of blissful Joy and Peace. A warm gentle breeze swirls around me.  Suddenly a knowing washes over me that it is time to go forward…into Life. Why must I go ? Why would I want to leave here where all is pure and divine and harmonious ? I am not yet human, not yet a child, but I possess an adult-like knowledge that is warning me of a tumultuous journey ahead. I must have courage. I must accept my path. (By this time the sceptic within had left the building.)

Paul: Now I want you to return to your birth

  • I feel myself struggle. Confined and constricted. I feel pain. Cramped and Twisted. A bright white light hits my eyes violently causing me to cringe and flinch and squint. This is not a pleasant arrival at all. No wonder, I didn’t want to be here. But here I was. Here I am. A heavy weight fell upon me.

When we were finished and I had some time to try and configure my now quite scattered thoughts, Paul asked me if there were any themes or messages that struck me from the experience. The first words that broke through the fuzziness still floating in my head, were Courage and Acceptance.

It took some time to come down off the thrill and wonderment of the experience itself but once my feet hit the ground, I began to ponder those two big words and their meanings. Courage….to create the life I do want to live…I choose to live , distinct from the shackles of my childhood. Yes, I can emphatically say I am on that path. And Acceptance…perhaps the acceptance that this is my journey of learning through this life time and there is no point rallying against it by asking Why Why Why ?

I also instantly made sense of an inner thought pattern that has plagued me ever since I was a very, very young child as I looked around at my parents and siblings….Who are these people ? What am I doing here ? Why was I born into this family ? I do not want to be here with them ! I do not belong here ! I do not want THIS life ! Oh yes, now it all makes so much sense !!!


12 responses

  1. Colleen, were you able to actually remember these things…or is this how you imagine it must have been. Also, this is very eye opening, even if imaginary is used – as you were able to come up with some aspects of yourself that you did not understand. That inner thought pattern is powerful information. I’ll have to look into regression therapy – it sounds like something that would be helpful for me. I often wonder why I make choices that are not loving to myself, although I believe I love myself. Anywho…. I truely enjoyed reading about your regression therepy. My only question to you would be, what was it about your parents that made your soul choose them in the first place? Food for thought, spiritual sis. . .

    Blessings, C.

    February 24, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    • Hi Cordie,

      Was the voice of doubt in my head that was still present throughout the process questioned me at every step regarding whether the thoughts and imagges were actual memories or reactions of my imagination. This scepticsm occurred until the return to the moment of conception. The sensation of the “electrical charge” was definitely something I had never expereinced previously, and certainly not consciously associated with “conception”. It made so much sense in terms of the fusing of the sperm and egg into one cell.

      Also, the sensations of my soul state prior to conception were so vivid and incomparable to anything I had previously imagined or experienced I felt and continue to feel confident that it was based on something “real” rather than a construction of my imagination.

      I continue to contemplate why I “chose” my parents and honestly I am still formulating ideas and impressions. It clearly has something to do with providing me the opportunity to create a life situation in which I have needed to draw upon courage and inner resolve to confront wrong doing. My childhood experience as propelled me to identify my strengths and values, in the face of weak and damaged adults, and stand up for them with extreme conviction. These thoughts lend themselves to the theme of “courage” that came up for me througout the process.

      It is a facinating process that’s for sure !

      February 26, 2010 at 2:33 am

  2. This is a very interesting post, Colleen. Uncannily so.

    “…I was a very, very young child as I looked around at my parents and siblings….Who are these people ? What am I doing here ? Why was I born into this family ? I do not want to be here with them ! I do not belong here !…”

    I know someone, very close to me, who has uttered those very same words to describe their feelings about their own life.

    February 25, 2010 at 12:12 am

    • Hi Paul. I’m pleased you enjoyed my story. Yes, one of the great things about sharing these innermost thoughts and experiences is that it helps you realise you are not alone. There can be great comfort in that knowledge.

      February 26, 2010 at 2:10 am

  3. It’s so interesting that you captured so perfectly the spirit of the birth experience in your poem and then wrote about the physical sensations here. This is inspirational because your seeking brought you to an unexpected experience of deep meaning for you and of great interest to anyone reading it. Wow!

    February 27, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    • Hi Pam,

      It took may ages to actually write it down step wise as I have here. I don’t know why…other than I have been a little “over-awed” by the experience ! I have certainly enjoyed sharing it though and love the sort of discussion these experiences open up.

      March 1, 2010 at 5:23 am

  4. Hi Colleen, What an interesting experience! I am fascinated in regression, and I keep an open mind. I wonder if this is a collective memory though – if any two people would have the same memory if regressed? By tracing my family tree I found out lots about myself. Names reoccur, as well as places, situations, experiences, repetition. Scarily, it is even possible sometimes to predict what will happen next (studying the ‘patterns’. Have we been here before? I think so – it’s in our genes. We are the sum total of them (so far).
    Nice blog by the way! I will look forward to visitig it in the future now I’ve found it. Thanks for sharing.
    Lynda from ‘echostains’ (and also bookstains)

    March 2, 2010 at 10:05 am

    • Hi Lynda, thanks for your comments. You raise some really interesting questions that I hadn’t thought about. I am really intrigued by the idea of the “collective experience” and would consider that I am not alone in my recollections and impressions. Unfortunately I don’t believe there is anyone in my immediate family who would be open to exploring this idea with me….maybe in a few years when my daughters are older it is something we can discuss ! Thanks for the fresh insights ! And I am so pleased you liked what you found here in my blog.


      March 2, 2010 at 11:05 am

  5. I too have asked the same questions over and over until my friend Dr. Marty said one day “Because.” And every time I asked him a why question he always said because. Finally it occurs to me maybe there are no answers except because.

    March 4, 2010 at 5:40 am

    • Hmm…thanks Sara for the reminder. I’m not sure if I have tired of asking the questions yet…it seems to be my quest…but I also understand that acceptance of what is, is the key to peace.

      March 4, 2010 at 10:29 am

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